I am my own worst critic. I am a perfectionist. These are both things I have recently come to realise and finally grown to accept. No matter how well I do or how much I exceed my limits, I fail to accept it and feel I could always do better. Well, as of this afternoon, Angel had an epiphany.
Today, I had to take an exam in shorthand for my Journalism degree. I failed the exam, but I did not fail myself. While on a super packed train at rush hour with no music to distract me, I was forced to think rationally about what had happened. I left the room thinking: “I am a massive failure and I can never get back from this and I might as well give up because there is no way I am ever going to do it.” Evidently, I overreacted. I have always, as far as I can remember, valued my grades more than my own happiness. I thought that good grades equated to happiness. I was wrong. Getting good grades is an amazing thing and can really feel amazing when you know all your hard work has paid off, but it shouldn’t overpower your own personal needs.
Last year, my university life was beyond turbulent. A storm began in late November and honestly did not seem to go away. My attendance suffered greatly, my grades could have been better and I cared very little about myself. I fell into a ditch and enclosed myself in. That is a place I really do not want to see myself in again and after today I feared that was where I was headed.
After all the work I have done in Cognitive Analytical Therapy I was able to stop myself thinking negatively. I was able to prevent myself from falling into the ditch. I was able to bring myself back and do something I have never done before. Accept. I looked at the situation judiciously and simply said to myself: “this is not the end of the world.” So, I came accept a few things:
- My happiness is more important than my grades
- I have strengths and weaknesses and that is okay
- I need to accept that sometimes I am not going to meet my expectations
- I am moving forward and that is the main thing
Life can be difficult, people can be difficult, work can be difficult, university can be difficult. The last thing that you need on top of the possible difficulties is to be difficult with yourself. Accept who you are and what you are capable of. Understand that you are the most important thing in your life. And just be happy!
firefly 