Life, more often than not, can take you to the top of a cliff and force you to jump. The trick behind jumping off the cliff is making sure you have a parachute. Thus begins my post. Life has, as always, taken me on a slightly crazy and wild adventure. I am finally ready to put myself on a plane and fly back to where I should be.
2017 has been the most turbulent beginning to a year. Not only have I had a miraculous amount of deal with, I’ve also had a lot of internal struggles. One of the biggest things which I must mention was my lack of faith in moving forward. An uncountable amount of terrible situations arose this year. After I decided to try and grab life and move forward, I took a giant step back. I put myself back in a situation that I thought I’d never come close to. I contemplated suicide. Since my brother died I always vouched to myself I would never do that and perhaps that is what stopped me. Everything became too much. I was masking my emotions with any form of escapism. I was lost. I was lost within myself and had no way of getting out. I searched and searched for a fire exit, a window, anything, but I kept finding myself running in circles with no answers. I felt like I was nothing. I was a burden. I was everything bad and everything I never wanted to be. But. I turned it around.
My diary posts slowly got less focused on my suicidal feelings and focused more on the happy aspects of each day I lived. I began to find the beauty within the darkness. I turned on the lights and faced my fears. I saw my own insecurities, stared them straight in the face and made them leave. Hypothetically, of course. I started to note down at least one good thing that happened each day.
This week is mental health awareness week. My name is Angel, and I have a mental illness. I am no longer ashamed of it. I am no longer trying to pretend it isn’t there. I am accepting who I am and learning how to live with a mental illness rather than hoping it goes away. The most important thing to always remember is that you’re going to get out of this. I told myself that I would, and I did. I am going into my second year of university, doing something I absolutely adore. I’m making the dreams I had come true. I’m making my life something that I can be proud of. And I am.
Even though life can get tough at times, always remember that people are there for you. But more importantly, be there for yourself. Fight the evil bully inside your mind who’s telling you that you aren’t good enough. Tell them to leave you alone. This is your life. You are in complete control and you always will be. Sometimes you just need to take the big jump off the cliff, experience the views and open your parachute. Glide down to where you need to be. Even if a gust of wind knocks you off track, you’ll get there eventually.
~firefly
firefly 